My 15th month journey in the desert

Pronunciation –noun Desert: emphasizes the difficulty of finding one's way, any place lacking in something.

I start off on this part of my journal with the definition of what desert means because that was pretty much what I had been experiencing during my 15th month walk in the desert.

Reflecting on what this means, I can really say that this 15th month walk was one that I did not enjoy very much. I wasn't myself at all, I was flustered with alot of mixed emotions and at times even took it out on the most important people in my life.

One of those important people was my son Anthony. One time things got so crazy at home with my emotions that I even had him go and stay with my sister and brother in law for about 2-3 weeks. There was no doubt that during this time, I grew spiritually more and more and my relationship with my son grew as well. The Lord allowed me to see into his world, the void that he continues to carry in his heart regarding the loss of his biological mother and at the same time unveil my eyes to realize that I was grieving more than ever for the loss that we had with Baby Emmanuel. It was almost as if the Lord had intertwined our two hearts together to experience that one loss (his biological mother and my biological son) and then tied our hearts together again in a knot to unite us a mother and child again. I remember having this conversation with him at a nearby park while he was still staying with my sister. And I want to thank my sister and Scott for being there for us during this difficult time.

Another important person in my life that I took out my innermost emotions on was my wonderful sister. You see when I was struggling with the infertility and finally got pregnant, my sister and I became very close, even though at the time she was living in the East coast. She was extremely supportive during the entire trial that we were up against. Well, what happened with our relationship is that upon losing our baby, she and Scott were moved to adopt their own child. Again, I honestly must say that I was flustered with upsetting emotions and feelings that I had no control over (and honestly I feel that Satan took advantage of my emotions to drown me even more in my sorrows). I had the worse feelings of resentment towards my sister and my brother in law, because I felt that "How dare they want to adopt a child after we just lost our baby"? Looking back at this now, I can see that I was very selfish but at the same time, I was consumed with my own grieving. This feeling of resentment controlled my relationship with my sister and her hubby for 3 long years. Can you imagine? Three years of one's life taken away with feelings of resentment, jealousy, envious, anger, self-pity, hopelessness, self-doubt and I can go on and on, but you all get the drift right ???? These emotions pretty much rocked my world and it was not a happy time for me. Believe me, those of you that are close to me know what I went through, and I thank you for your support during that time. You know who you are. Needless to say, months kept going by and I kept speaking to my sister less and less. She had already begun her adoption process with Belarus at the time and the less I knew about it, the better off I was, or at least I thought.

When it came to the rest of my family and friends, I guess I was alright but I was very cautious as to who I would share my real feelings with. It was almost as if I was living in a dark cloud and not sure who or what was happening. There was no clarity, and I was just living for the moment. I did not care about anything or anyone at the time. Many, many times I cried myself to sleep, asking our good Lord to come and rescue me, but It was as though I needed to be where I was for the sake of my spiritual growth because he was healing me but not as fast as I wanted to be healed.

Believe me, when you are going through tough times of trials an tribulations, trust GOD that you are where He wants you to be. That was a lesson that I learned very quickly.


When was my final breakdown ????? Stay tuned coming up soon.